Sunday, June 29, 2008

Lady killers = Ego killers


I ran across this article the other day when I was looking up movie times for Wanted, the new "everything blows up real good" film with Angelina. Anyway, I thought this article was completely ridiculous... the writer listed his "top 10 lady killers" (from films) and then proceeded to rate them on a dating scale ranging from "marriage material" to "run for your life". I understand that all of these women are fictional (and some are aliens) but come on...the fact that just because they can shoot a gun, kick your butt, or beat you at a game of chess does not mean you need to toss them aside and find a trophy wife who will bake you a pie. Anyway, here's the article:

"Imagine you're on a date with a girl when all of a sudden she pulls out a Glock 19 and pumps several bullets into that shady guy with the weird left eye sitting at the table across from you. Hey, it could happen...especially in the movies. And with all the tough, no-nonsense action dudes to choose from, luckily Hollywood gives us a few killer ladies from time to time, if only to prove, well, that girls can kick ass too.

These fairer-sex ass-kickers tend to come in all different (and not even necessarily human) shapes and sizes: from a nasty queen alien in Aliens to a psychotic mom in Friday the 13th to a gold-digging murderess in Black Widow, we’ve definitely seen our share of freaky females over the years. But which ones do we remember the most? Which were the toughest, the strongest, the meanest? Who’d be the easiest to date? Is it better to be legally insane...or just good with a gun?

In honor of Angelina Jolie's second turn as a super sexy assassin in Wanted, here are 10 gals you may or may not want to meet in a dark alley...

(Dating Scale: 1 = Marriage Material / 10 = Run for your Life)

10. Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto in To Die For
Weapon of Choice: Seduction
Why She Rocks: Though she doesn’t technically kill anyone, this dynamic Kidman character snags major points for successfully offing her in-the-way husband by sexing-up some high school student, who, in turn, did the job for her. Extra credit, anyone?
Dating Difficulty (6): The "honeymoon phase" would be wonderful with this stunning siren; however your chances of survival greatly diminish once it becomes time to settle down and get married.

9. Lucy Liu as Alex Munday in Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
Weapon of Choice: You name it, this wicked braniac will kill you with it
Why She Rocks: Aside from her nasty Kung Fu skills, Alex is also an expert at gymnastics, chess, archery, computer hacking and neurosurgery. But can she win a game of Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s? That's the question!
Dating Difficulty (4): Assuming you’re in great shape, went to Harvard (or Yale) and don’t mind a girlfriend who moonlights as an booty-kicking private investigator, we don’t see why a romantic relationship would be all that challenging. Just wear knee pads...all the time.

8. Rebecca Romijn as Mystique in X-Men, X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand
Weapon of Choice: A mutant, shape-shifting ability to assume the body, voice and physical traits of anything she wants
Why She Rocks: Because, under any other circumstances, an all-blue naked woman with orange hair might seem quite comical. However, she's named Mystique for a reason – and you never quite know what she’s going to do (or how she’s going to ruin your day) at any given moment. Scary, sure, but we bet a lot of guys had a new favorite color after these films.
Dating Difficulty (5): If you can get her to like you (and not kill you), this shape-shifter could probably take the form of anything or anyone you’d like. Imagine the possibilities!

7. Milla Jovovich as Alice in Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Resident Evil: Extinction
Weapon of Choice: Twin Kukri knives, machine guns, pistols and shotguns
Why She Rocks: She doesn't have much of a wardrobe (with the exception of that stunning red dress in the first film), but she sure knows how to slay zombies. Don't we all love a girl who likes to get her hands dirty?
Dating Difficulty (7): She’s kind of a loner, a rebel, and busy fighting zombies with dangerous-looking knives. Date at your own risk.

6. Kate Beckinsale as Selene in Underworld and Underworld: Evolution
Weapon of Choice: Automatic machine pistols
Why She Rocks: The beautiful, dark-haired Kate Beckinsale as a vampire fighting werewolves (or Lycans) in a tight, black spandex/leather get-up. Do you need a better reason?
Dating Difficulty (8): Because she's a Death Dealer, if you piss her off, she'll most certainly get medieval on your ass.

5. Juliette Lewis as Mallory in Natural Born Killers
Weapon of Choice: Crazy
Why She Rocks: Two words: She’s faithful. And not only does Mallory stand by her man, but darn it if she doesn’t make serial killing look just a tad wholesome and adorable
Dating Difficulty (10): You go in for the wrong kiss goodnight and she'll snap your neck. The chiropractor’s bill alone would be through the roof, not to mention her psychotic husband Mickey might come knockin'.

4. Sarah Douglas as Ursa in Superman 2
Weapon of Choice: Super-human strength
Why She Rocks: Apart from being the only real female villain in all the Superman films, Ursa also gets to claim a number two spot next to the ultimate baddie, General Zod. (And did we mention she's kinda hot, too?)
Dating Difficulty (9): She comes from the planet Krypton, hates men with a passion and wants to destroy the world. Somehow, we don’t see her as half of a couple.

3. Natasha Henstridge as Sil in Species
Weapon of Choice:Sex
Why She Rocks:Oh yes, this was one female killer who used her raw, alien hotness to seduce unsuspecting males. Put it this way: You won't live long enough to lose her phone number.
Dating Difficulty (10): Way too selfish. She’ll just use you to repopulate the planet with her own kind before (literally) ripping out your spine and calling it a day.

2. Angelina Jolie as Jane Smith in Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Weapon of Choice: Guns...and lots of them
Why She Rocks: From a Glock 19 to an MP5A2, this sexy assassin came stylin' with a gun for every occasion (roughly 30 different types were used throughout the film). And when she wasn't breaking bones, she was breaking hearts in an elegant black dress that was just...to die for.
Dating Difficulty (9): She’s married...to another assassin. We'd advise you to stay far away.

1. Uma Thurman as The Bride in Kill Bill 1 and 2
Weapon of Choice: Hattori Hanzo sword, plus anything she can get her hands on
Why She Rocks: Out of all our killer ladies, The Bride is the only one who chooses decapitation as her preferred method of doing the nasty deed. Plus, how could you not love a gal who says this – in Japanese – following a battle in which she slashes her way through dozens of Crazy 88 gang members: "Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now."
Dating Difficulty (8): Well, considering she was almost viciously murdered on her wedding day, we imagine The Bride might have some personal issues to work through before she's ready to settle down and date again. Keep that in mind." -Written by Erik Davis

No comments: